Morning Smile

• 'Skins, Titans discuss Haynesworth deal (AP)
• The Washington Redskins and the Tennessee Titans are in discussions about a trade of disgruntled defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, people with know...
• McNabb to start, ankle not 100 percent (AP)
• Donovan McNabb said Tuesday his sprained ankle isn't 100 percent, but it won't keep him from starting the Washington Redskins' opener Sunday night aga...
• Revis practices, expected to play opener (AP)
• The ball tipped off Darrelle Revis' hands, then his helmet and popped into the air before falling to the ground. The New York Jets cornerback knew exa...
• Parcells turns over control to Ireland (AP)
• Bill Parcells is turning over control of the Miami Dolphins to general manager Jeff Ireland but will retain a role as a daily consultant. The Dolphins...
• QB Dixon to start for Steelers in opener (AP)
• Ben Roethlisberger loves to be the guy who gets his team out of trouble, throws the big touchdown pass, makes the play that changes a season. Only thi...

[Blue Moon]

A Farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

Early the next morning the farmer and his wife are awakened by a terrible racket. The farmer, too tired to even get out of bed, asks his wife to look out the window and see what's happening.
The wife looks and says, I don't know what's going on but all the sheep are in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn"

[poolboy]

Daddy's Job


Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher
asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so she asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out
to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other

children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask
him,'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David,
 
'He plays for the Cubs, but I was too embarrassed to
say that in front of the other kids.'

[poolboy]

An oldie but goodie

[Grim]

The Welfare Office 

A guy walked into the local welfare office to
pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and
said, ' Hi.  You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job.'
 
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.

[VMaxer]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong... So don't bother, just tune out and enjoy the NFL games that week

[Grim]

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood  Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 
Q..   Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde:  Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) 

Q.  Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under  water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you  think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q.  What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.  As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.   

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the  Camp   Fire  Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.  If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q.  According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A... Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.  When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q.  Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!   

[Grim]

The economy is  so bad that:
 
 
I got a  pre-declined credit card in the mail.
 
 
I ordered a  burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford  fries with that?"
 
 
CEO's are now  playing miniature golf.
 
 
If the bank  returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
 
 
Hot Wheels and  Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
 
 
McDonald's is  selling the 1/4 ouncer.
 
 
Parents in  Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's  names.
 
 
A truckload of  Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
 
 
Dick Cheney  took his stockbroker hunting.
 
 
Motel Six  won't leave the light on anymore.
 
 
The Mafia is  laying off judges.
 
 
Exxon-Mobil  laid off 25 Congressmen.
 
 
Congress says  they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made  $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5  Trillion disappear! 

 
And,  finally...
 
 
I was so  depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide  Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was  suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a  truck..

[Grim]

Getting Old

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[bodino]

Too damn funny.

[Blue Moon]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman looking sad. He goes over, orders a drink and asks her what's wrong. She says, "My husband just divorced me because I was too kinky"
The guy says, "That's funny, my wife divorced me for the same reason."
The woman says, "You know, we might be a good match, let's go to my place and get kinky."
The guys says, "Sure" and off they go.
 
When they get to her place, she excuses herself and goes into the bedroom. She strips down, puts on a sheer camisole, crotchless panties and black vinyl thigh high boots. She takes out her handcuffs, grabs her riding crop and strides back out into the living room.
 
She sees the guy putting on his coat and getting ready to leave. 'Hey" she says, "I thought we were going to get kinky"
He replies, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and pissed in your purse, how much kinkier can I get?"